Some say it’s when you have blue hair.
Others insist it’s when you’re eligible for Social Security benefits or start getting junk mail from AARP. While the exact timing of being over the hill can vary greatly, there is one thing upon which everyone can agree: older folks can get away with all kinds of stuff that would never fly with the younger set.
Being cranky as hell.
Grumbling at the cashier, complaining to the waiter and otherwise having a heyday picking on people, places and things is one of the greatest benefits of reaching over-the-hill status. Sure, you may still want to say “please” and “thank you” so you’re not totally ostracized from every public place, but chances are you’ll still get invited to lunch, dinner or the movies even if you’re a perpetual bellyacher throughout the entire event.
In some cultures, we’ve heard that cranky old men and women are actually considered endearing. When you find out what cultures those are, please do let us know.
Wearing whatever you want (as long as it covers your cleavage).
You don’t want to dress like Britney Spears – at any age – but you can get away with wearing wonderfully weird and mismatched duds now that you’re over the hill. Fanny packs. Neon Crocs. Clashing plaid and floral patterns. Sandals with socks. Better yet, sandals with rolled-down socks.
The fashion world is wide open for whatever you feel like throwing on and wearing on any given day. This benefit is huge when you would rather don a pair of Bermuda shorts to the black-tie event or a bathrobe to the bridal shower. Just don’t get too carried away with freakish outfits or family members may start to think the best outfit for you is a straightjacket. In other words, skip that yellow, feathered chicken suit no matter how strongly it calls to you.
Saying whatever pops into your mind.
Similar to the benefit of being cranky all the time, saying whatever pops into your mind gives you the ultimate freedom of expression. It can also make for hours of enjoyment at large family gatherings. Here you can bring up embarrassing stories of your children’s early years, chide or compliment your grandchildren on their bright pink or pea green hair, and otherwise have a blast commenting all you want on absolutely anything you want.
Many older folks have said that one of the greatest advantages of aging is caring less and less what other people think of you. Grab onto that advantage and run!
Playing practical jokes – on anyone.
While a well-placed whoopee cushion under an ambassador’s butt would get younger folks kicked out of the dinner party, older folks get free reign when it comes to pranks.
We bet even the president of the US would let a sweet old lady get away with putting salt in the White House sugar dish or drawing moustaches on all the presidential portraits. OK, maybe the moustache-drawing on portraits is taking it a bit far, but you get the idea.
Betty White proved pranks and older people mix well with her show “Off Their Rockers,” which featured older folks punking younger ones. Granted, the show was cancelled after two seasons, but not without first proving the over-the-hill crew can basically get away with anything.
Moving at your own pace.
Unless you happen to live in the heart of New York City where moving slowly may get you trampled, being older gives you the supreme leeway to move at your very own pace. This applies in grocery store aisles, at airports and even in the fast lane on city streets where you have the power to putter along at 22 mph.
Combine this privilege with yoga classes, meditation techniques or other relaxation methods and you can turn down the speed even further. Simply float about in your personal bubble of slow-paced serenity while the rest of the world rushes madly about, a stampede of panicked geese.
Yes, being over-the-hill definitely comes with its lineup of advantages. So enjoy them to their fullest – and bring that whoopee cushion to the next ambassador dinner you attend dressed sweetly and serenely in your bathrobe.
